Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
