so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
