I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
