Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
