Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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