yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i drank out of a bidet.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
