I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
