I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
