Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
