I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
