so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
