My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
