what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
