Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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