On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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