Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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