My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
