when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
