you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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