she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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