every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
