Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
