i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
