But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
