hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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