Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
