forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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