then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
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She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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