My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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