I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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