wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
