last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
