woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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