I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I want her autograph on my taint
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
