If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
