just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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