i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
