My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
