The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
