Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
