I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
