We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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