How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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