i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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