Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
