my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
