mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
