I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
