Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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