It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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