I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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