Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
