I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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