opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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