My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?