So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?