I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything