at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
